“You’ve Really Turned Your Life Around”
The compliments that reflect the hidden biases in how we praise. (Written for Psychology Today)
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash
We all love a good compliment. A thoughtful, kind observation can turn a whole day around. But then there are the other compliments—the ones that leave you blinking for a second, smiling politely while your brain catches up and realizes: Wait… was that actually kind of rude?
That’s because compliments don’t always mean what they seem. Psychology tells us they carry more than praise—they can signal approval, express power dynamics, or unintentionally reveal bias.
Compliments are a form of social currency often used to build connections, show approval, or ease awkwardness. But not all praise is positive. Ever heard of a backhanded compliment? It combines flattery with subtle criticism or surprise. Think “You’re so fast… for a girl.” These kinds of compliments often leave people feeling uncomfortable, confused, or patronized.
Even well-meaning praise can reinforce stereotypes, reflect outdated assumptions, or diminish someone’s lived experience. Some of these fall under what psychologists refer to as benevolent bias—compliments that sound kind but are rooted in limiting beliefs. This kind of praise, while socially acceptable, can reflect unconscious prejudice. And studies suggest that inconsistent or contradictory praise may actually be worse for self-esteem than receiving no compliment at all.
As a 24-year-old professional speaker and author who talks openly about mental illness, I’ve received my fair share of these kinds of compliments. Here are a few I hear all the time.
“It must run in your genes—you’re a natural.”
Yes, my mom is a well-known and incredible professional speaker. Yes, I grew up watching her on stage, telling stories that made people laugh, cry, and think. And yes, I’ve probably absorbed a thing or two. But when people say this, it can feel like they’re dismissing the years of work—and all the anxiety—that went into developing my speaking skills.
While the intention might be flattery, the impact can be deflating. It reduces achievement to genetics instead of grit. Psychologist Angela Duckworth found that effort, not talent, is what drives long-term success. And Carol Dweck’s research shows that praising ability over hard work can actually hold people back. I didn’t just inherit this—I earned it.
“You’re nothing like the other people your age.”
(Also: “I never would’ve guessed you’re 24!”)
This is something I hear after almost every speech or article. And while I know it’s intended as a compliment, what I hear instead is something like: “People your age are usually immature or clueless, but wow, you’re not terrible at all.”
This kind of praise positions someone as an exception to a negatively stereotyped group. In this case, the stereotype is that young adults are entitled, irresponsible, or not serious. The compliment implies that competence is a surprising anomaly.
The truth is, I know so many people my age who are insightful, thoughtful, and deeply informed. But we’re often judged by our youth before we’re given the chance to show what we’re capable of.
“You’ve really turned your life around.”
This one hits differently when you speak publicly about mental illness. I’ve heard it from audience members, acquaintances, and even family—often with warmth and sincerity. And I understand what they’re trying to acknowledge: growth, resilience, and the long road I’ve walked.
But as Northwestern University psychologist Dan McAdams explains, each of us constructs a narrative identity—an evolving life story that helps us understand how we became who we are. When that story gets reduced to a “before” and “after,” it can start to feel like the “after” is a performance, something delicate or temporary.
What I actually hear in those moments is: “Wow, you must’ve been in a really bad place. How did you manage to turn it around?” The intention may be kindness, but sometimes, it feels more like someone trying to simplify a complicated, ongoing journey into a neat, triumphant arc.
“What you’re doing is so brave. I don’t know if I could ever do something that brave or open.”
This one comes up a lot when I talk about mental health on stage or in writing. And I know people mean it as a compliment. But sometimes, it carries a hint of distance—like, “Yikes, I could never say that out loud, but good luck out there.”
Researcher and author Brené Brown has pointed out that we often frame vulnerability as bravery because we’ve been conditioned to see strength as stoicism. So when someone is open about their struggles, it’s labeled courageous—because it pushes against that silence.
But the truth is, I don’t share my story to be brave. I share it to be honest. I want to make space for other people to feel like they can do the same. Vulnerability shouldn’t be treated as rare or heroic—it’s just human.
The Bottom Line
The way we compliment people matters. Praise can uplift or alienate—not just based on the words themselves, but on the assumptions behind them.
Instead of saying, “It must run in your genes—you’re a natural,” try, “You’re an amazing speaker.”
Instead of saying, “You’re nothing like the other people your age,” try, “You’re a great example of how your generation is creating change.”
Instead of saying, “You’ve really turned your life around,” try, “It’s inspiring to see how you’ve navigated challenges and grown through them.”
Instead of saying, “What you’re doing is so brave,” try, “Thank you for being vulnerable so others feel they can be too.”
Before offering a compliment, pause and ask: What do I really mean to say? And how might someone else hear this?
Then proceed with words that are clear, kind, and free of judgment.
Thoughtful praise doesn’t just make people feel good—it makes them feel seen.