Why Your Gen Z Kid Ignores Your Advice (Even When It’s Good)
How the messenger, not the message, affects what your child hears. (Written for Psychology Today)
Photo by Mike Von on Unsplash
Picture this: You give your Gen Z kid solid advice. You’ve carefully thought it through, and you offer a suggestion you know will help. But they don’t listen. Maybe they give you a polite “Thanks, but no thanks.” You sigh, and it stings, but you move on.
Then, three weeks later, they come back to you saying: “Sally just gave me the best advice! She told me to [insert what you had told them three weeks ago].”
Now, you’re sitting there, rolling your eyes, trying to hold back the words, “I told you so.” Your brain is screaming, “Are you kidding me? I said that weeks ago!” You might even want to ask, “Why didn’t you listen to me when I gave you the exact same advice?”
Sound familiar? If you’ve ever had this experience, you know it’s frustrating, especially when you feel like your advice is sound and could really help. So, what’s going on here?
The answer might be simpler than you think: The message is right, but the messenger is not.
The Messenger Effect
This situation is common—it’s not just your kid’s personality or a reflection of you as a parent. Research in communication and social psychology shows that people, including your Gen Zers, often value advice more when it comes from someone they respect or admire, rather than from someone else—even if the content is identical. This is called the messenger effect, a psychological phenomenon where the person delivering the message often has more influence than the message itself. This cognitive bias suggests that credibility, likability, and perceived authority of the messenger affect whether someone accepts the message, regardless of how strong the message is.
For Gen Z, this can be especially true. We are growing up in an environment where peer influence, online communities, and digital role models play a huge role in shaping our decision-making process. Think TikTok influencers or YouTubers.
When you, as a parent, give guidance, we might tune you out simply because we don’t want advice from someone who we feel doesn’t understand our world. Or maybe we’re more easily influenced by someone outside the family—someone who doesn’t have perceived authority over us.
So, when your kid dismisses your advice and later takes it from a friend or a Reddit post, it might hurt. But it’s not necessarily about you or your advice—it’s about who’s delivering the message.
Questions to Ask Yourself as a Parent
To help bridge this gap, here are some questions you can ask yourself when offering advice to your Gen Z child (or anyone else):
“Are they ready to hear it?” Sometimes, someone isn’t in the right headspace to receive advice, especially if they feel overwhelmed or defensive.
“Does my advice have a different connotation coming from me?” Parents often represent authority, and advice from an authority figure can feel like an instruction rather than an option. It can be helpful to reframe your advice more collaboratively.
“Are they actually looking for advice?” Sometimes, the person you’re advising might not be looking for advice at all. They might just need to vent or process things on their own. Or maybe they’re looking for some empathy or a cheerleader. The only way to find out if they want advice is to ask. Say something like: “Are you open to some advice?” or “Can I offer my perspective?” And then respect their answer.
Ego vs. Helping: Letting Go of the Need for Credit
When I deliver keynotes and workshops about how to talk to your kids and teens, parents often ask me: “Why doesn’t my kid listen to me when I tell them they should [go to a therapist, listen to their teachers, find a new job, get out of a bad relationship, etc.]?”
“Because it’s coming from you! Don’t let the messenger get in the way of the message,” I respond. And although that’s not what they want to hear, they know I’m right.
As a parent, it’s natural to want to be the one who gives the best advice. After all, you want to help your kids make smart decisions, and it feels good to offer advice that someone else values. But here’s a tough truth: It’s not about who gives the advice—it’s about whether the advice is heard and acted upon.
The reality is that when your child listens to someone else’s advice—even if it’s exactly what you said—it can feel like a blow to your ego. It can be frustrating to see your advice rejected and then embraced when given by someone else. But here’s the silver lining: The fact that they’re listening and taking action means your advice has still found its way to them.
If your goal is to help your child, then it’s important to let go of the need to be the one who gets credit for giving the advice. It’s about ensuring they make the right choices, not about being the one who gets acknowledged—even when acknowledgment feels good. By focusing on the outcome—whether your child listens to and benefits from the advice—you can let go of the frustration and feel satisfied that they are learning, growing, and applying what they need.
And remember this: Just because you aren’t the right messenger for your kid at this moment doesn’t mean you aren’t the perfect messenger for someone else.
References:
Dan Pilat, Sekoul Krastev Why do we find some people more credible than others? The Decision Lab.
Original article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-the-generation-gap/202503/why-your-gen-z-kid-ignores-your-advice-even-when-its-good