Why Your 20-Something Child Doesn't Open Up to You

There are better ways to talk with an adult child. (Written for Psychology Today)

Photo Credit: Pavan Trikutam / Unsplash

Do you have a 20-something kid who doesn’t tell you about their life? If so, you are not alone.

A recent coaching client of mine came to me with this exact issue. Her college-age son rarely called, and when he did, the conversations were short and vague. “Doesn’t he know that all I want to do is help?” she asked me. I could tell how hard this was for her, especially since she, like many parents, had been her son’s main support for so long.

We could have spent the entire session talking about how her son has changed and how she wanted him to reach out more. But, instead, I asked her: What’s your contribution to this situation?

If your 20-something is reluctant to share information with you, it’s time to think about what you may be doing to make it more difficult/frustrating for them to reach out.

You Are Overhelping

It’s safe to say that you want to help your kid succeed, which makes sense! But helping your kid succeed doesn’t always look like doing it for them, telling them what to do, or using your network. In fact, that can get in the way by undermining their skills, taking away a learning opportunity, or overstepping boundaries.

Here’s what overhelping might sound like:

“I found the perfect apartment for you. I set up a tour for you next week.”: doing it for them, without asking first

“You should really get a hobby that doesn’t involve your phone.”: telling them what to do, without being asked for this advice

“My friend's company is hiring. I’ll give her your email address.”: using your network, unsolicitedly

What’s important to remember is that doing it for them, telling them what to do, and using your network aren’t inherently bad or harmful. In some cases, this is exactly the kind of help your kid might want or need. But it turns from helpful to overhelping when you do these things uninvited or without permission.

Here’s what you might say instead:

“I know you’ve been looking at apartments. Would it be helpful if I looked for you as well?” — and then only look once they have given you the green light.

“You had mentioned something about being bored outside of work. Are you interested in a suggestion?” — and if they say no, do not ask again.

“My friend's company is hiring. If you’re interested, I’d be happy to make an introduction.” — and then make it opt-in rather than opt-out.

You want to remember that your help is most helpful if your offer to help is accepted (which means you have to ask first!) or if your kid requests help. Otherwise, it may be viewed as overstepping a boundary and undermining your kid’s abilities.

You Are Under-Listening

When I say under-listening, I don’t mean you aren’t hearing them. What I mean is that you are listening for what you want to hear or you are listening to respond. For example, if your kid comes to you to tell you that they just broke up with their significant other, you might be listening for the “why” behind their breakup or how your kid feels. Or you might be listening so you can respond with a personal anecdote or perspective.

Here’s what under-listening might sound like. Imagine your child says, "I wanted to tell you that Kayla and I just broke up last week, so she won’t be coming around the house anymore. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about it."

How can you respond?

• Choice A: "At least you broke up before things got more serious."

• Choice B: "Did she cheat on you? Are you heartbroken?"

• Choice C: "When I was your age, I broke up with my girlfriend and we got back together. Maybe you will too."

What’s wrong with these responses?

• Choice A: You are offering a perspective that was not asked for (and one that may minimize your kid’s feelings).

• Choice B: You are bombarding them with questions without asking if they are open to discussing this more.

• Choice C: You are making this conversation about you when it is not about you at all.

These are all results of under-listening.

Instead of listening to get information that you are interested in or listening to respond, try this instead: Listen just to listen, with no motives other than to really hear what your kid is saying. And when you do respond, show your kid that you appreciate them telling you, that you’ve heard what they said, and ask for clarification if needed.

Here’s what you might say instead:

“Thanks for telling me what’s going on. I’m here if you want to talk more about this.”

“I hear you aren’t quite sure how to feel about the break up yet. Is that right?”

“Do you want to talk more about this?”

When you shift from under-listening to attentive listening, you validate your kids’ feelings and provide them with a safe space where they feel heard and supported. That can encourage further conversation and strengthen your relationship with them.

You Are Asking the Wrong Questions

Imagine your 20-something calls to tell you that they just got hired as a barista at the local coffee shop. They are excited that they now have a full-time job and get to work in a place that they love. What’s the first thing you would say to them?

Maybe it’s something like this:

“How much money will you be making?”

“Do you get benefits?”

“What happened with the other job interview at [fill in the blank]? Are you just throwing away that opportunity?”

“When are you getting a real job?”

Asking these questions doesn’t make you a bad parent. But asking them will make it less likely that your kid will come to you with news in the future. Why? Because they are too personal, accusatory, judgmental, or self-serving.

“How much money will you be making?”/ “Do you get benefits?”: Very personal and can make your kid feel like you care more about their salary than their happiness.

“What happened with the other job interview at [fill in the blank]? Are you just throwing away that opportunity?”: accusatory

“When are you getting a real job?”: judgmental

Instead, focus on asking open-ended questions, matching your kid’s emotions, encouraging further conversation, and showing support.

Here’s what this might look like:

“Congratulations! That’s very exciting.”: matching emotion

“What are you most excited about?”: open-ended question

“How can I support you with your new position?”: shows support

“Are you open to telling me more about the job details?: encourages further conversation

The questions you ask shape your kid’s willingness to share their successes and challenges with you in the future. By asking thoughtful and supportive questions, you demonstrate genuine curiosity while respecting boundaries. This is how you keep the line of communication with your kid open.

If your kid doesn’t talk to you or rejects your attempts to help, you may be overhelping, under-listening, or asking the wrong questions. And you may be doing this without even realizing it. Now that you know what to avoid doing and how to encourage your kid to talk to you, it’s time to ask yourself: “What’s my contribution to this situation and how would I like it to change?”

Link to the original article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mind-the-generation-gap/202409/why-your-20-something-child-doesnt-open-up-to-you

As always, feel free to ask me anything. Substack now has direct messaging and I read and respond to everyone. Or, if you have a question you think others might benefit from….

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Sophie Riegel is a professional speaker, author, certified coach, and mental health advocate.