Trichotillomania and Haircuts: Creating a New Narrative
How to replace the old story you keep telling yourself
For most people, haircuts are stress-free. You often get a nice head massage, have a far too personal conversation with your hairdresser, and leave feeling refreshed. But for me, haircuts are at the top of the list of what I dread the most.
People who know me know I am very particular about my hair. It is long and curly and thick, and I do not like people touching it or making comments about it. It is almost always worn in a bun or a braid, and if you ask me to take it down, I will surely ignore you. But it’s not because I am rude (although it might come off that way). I have trichotillomania, a hair-pulling disorder often associated with OCD.
I was in 6th grade when I started pulling my own hair out. Countless hours were spent in front of the mirror trying to cover up my bald spots. However, it is nearly impossible to cover up bald spots on your eyelashes. So, I resorted to making up elaborate excuses to those who asked the horrible question “What happened to your face?” I often told people that I had gotten into a fight with a friend or that I was frying an egg and it burned my eyelashes (which made no sense, but middle schoolers will believe anything). My peers bought it, but I knew that once it was time to get a haircut, the hairdresser wouldn’t believe my bullshit.
To be clear, no hairdresser has ever asked about my bald spots. But the anxiety of having to explain that I pulled my hair out, my beautiful curly hair that people pay thousands of dollars to replicate, was painful.
From the time I was 12 to now (almost 23!), I have not gotten over my haircut anxiety, even when I am sure that I have no bald spots. My Trichotillomania has also evolved over the years. In my teen years, I pulled out my eyelashes and the hair on my head. In my 20s, I have only pulled out the hair on my head. In my teens, I took medication to help stop the urges. Now, I wear a sleep hat (it’s NOT cute, but it does the job!) and I try to keep my hands occupied. But what hasn’t changed is my anxiety about it, especially my anxiety around haircuts.
I spend most of my haircuts waiting for the hairdresser to ask me “What happened to your head?”, and it never comes. Every time I get a haircut I am certain that this is going to be the time it happens, when I finally need to answer that dreaded question.
Just a few months ago week, I had my first haircut in months with a new person. The thought of someone new looking at my hair and my scalp and asking me questions was terrifying. And I knew that I hadn’t been pulling my hair, but I couldn’t get over the thought: How am I going to explain my disorder? Will they even understand?
Sitting in the salon with my hair down and fresh eyes looking at it, I felt exposed. My hair has been a constant source of anxiety and shame in my life, and I realized that it is because I am constantly waiting for someone to ask me about my trichotillomania. And I know that as long as I keep waiting, I will keep feeling anxious. So I’m not going to wait anymore. I am going to just come out and say it so that no one asks:
I have Trichotillomania. It is a disorder where I pull my hair out. Nothing is wrong with me. I might have bald spots, and if you see them, do not ask me about them.
I want to feel proud of my hair. I don’t want to spend hours worrying about what other people might think of me. I do not want to practice explaining my disorder and hiding my shame when no one is shaming me in the first place.
I have made up this story in my head. I have lived with this narrative that I have created for years. And it is about time to create a new one.
If you are living with an old narrative that you are ready for a new one, here are three coaching questions to ask yourself:
➸ “How is this narrative serving me?”
Essentially, you are asking yourself to reflect on what you get from sticking with this old narrative. How is your current way of thinking benefitting you?
➸ “What else might be true?”
Once you understand what the story you have is, ask yourself what other story might be true. If, for example, you believe that your boss keeps giving you the hardest assignments because he doesn’t like you, asking yourself what else might be true may lead you to believe that your boss does this because they think you are a hard worker. Or maybe they want to challenge you because they see potential in you.
➸ “What do I need to believe to move past this?”
Moving past this narrative is a difficult step, but it’s not impossible. Let’s say we are talking about your boss again. What do you need to believe about the situation, person, etc., to be able to create a new and healthier story? Maybe you need to believe that your boss has good intentions or that you know how to rise to a challenge.
Now the real question is, What narrative are you ready to give up today?