How to Have Mental Health Conversations With Your Child
10 dialogue suggestions to foster trust
When I was speaking to middle and high school students in December, one student asked me “How do I tell my parents about my mental health without making them feel like it’s their fault?”
Other students started chiming in with concerns such as:
“What if they don’t believe me?”
“What if they blame me?”
“What if they think I’m making excuses?”
“What if they just ignore me?”
“What if they start to pity me?”
“What if they think it’s just a phase?”
These are completely valid concerns, especially because for many kids, their parents will not react in an ideal way.
I COACH BECAUSE I KNOW
When I was first self-diagnosed and professionally diagnosed with OCD and Trichotillomania, my parents felt awful. They felt awful that I had been suffering for so long and awful that they didn’t notice/get help for me sooner. I didn’t know until years later, however, that they blamed themselves for not recognizing that the signs of anxiety in my childhood all pointed to an anxiety disorder -- and one that would control much of my teenage years. But it was probably for the best that I didn’t know about my parents’ internal turmoil related to my diagnosis because if I had known, it would have only made my anxiety worse. And to be clear, I don’t blame my parents at all. In fact, I credit them with responding to my mental illness(es) swiftly, appropriately, and in a loving way. But this is not true of all parents.
If your child is dealing with a mental health challenge and they haven’t told you about it, they may share many of the concerns the students expressed to me. And while you can’t control their worries, you can respond positively and productively when they do come to you.
A lot of the work I do in coaching parents is working together to figure out how to navigate conversations like these. Part of that involves practicing how you might respond to your child telling you about a mental health concern. While all the parents I work with are in different situations, the following 10 tips for what to say and what to avoid saying can apply to a wide variety of mental health conversations:
10 DIALOGUE SUGGESTIONS TO BRIDGE COMMUNICATION
✅ What could be helpful: I believe you. And it would be good for us to talk to a professional about this, too.
❌ What is NOT helpful: How do you know? Diagnosing yourself from Google doesn’t mean anything.
Letting your child know that you believe them is a great first step in building an open and honest relationship. Your child may not want to talk to you about future concerns if you don’t believe them the first time.
✅ What could be helpful: Do you want to talk more about it?
❌ What is NOT helpful: Tell me everything that’s going on.
Giving your child the option to talk about it more provides them with autonomy. They are more likely to open up to you when it feels like it is their choice to do so, rather than if you “force” them to.
✅ What could be helpful: Thank you for trusting me with this.
❌ What is NOT helpful: Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?
Thanking your child for trusting you with this information indicates to them that you understand that this may not have been an easy thing for them to talk about. In a way, you are acknowledging their vulnerability. If you ask your child why they didn’t tell you about their mental health concerns sooner, you are placing blame on them and that may lead to defensiveness or a total shutdown.
✅ What could be helpful: That sounds difficult/painful/frustrating/scary/etc.
❌ What is NOT helpful: You’re overreacting, you’re going to be fine.
Acknowledging someone else’s pain and frustration is a good way for you to express empathy. This can be very validating for your child because you are letting them know that you understand that their experience has not been easy.
✅ What could be helpful: What kind of support would be most helpful?
❌ What is NOT helpful: Having anxiety or being depressed isn’t an excuse for your bad grades.
Oftentimes, we are so quick to try to solve their problem or we assume that we know what would be helpful, but we are wrong. Instead of assuming, ask your child what kind of support they need so that they can have some control over what happens next.
✅ What could be helpful: That all makes sense and you aren’t alone.
❌ What is NOT helpful: All teenagers are anxious/stressed/sad/etc.
While it may seem validating to tell your child that all teenagers are stressed or sad, giving this perspective can backfire as it may feel like you are dismissing their concerns. Also, remember that this conversation isn’t about other children, it’s about your child.
✅ What could be helpful: What have you noticed that helped you figure this out?
❌ What is NOT helpful: When did you decide this?
Having mental health concerns is not a choice. No one wakes up and says “I think I’m going to have OCD today.” You can still ask your child how they got to this conclusion, but in a way that doesn’t frame their mental health concern as a decision they made.
The question “What have you noticed that helped you figure this out?” allows you to be curious without blaming. It also gives your child the opportunity to share experiences and feelings that you may not know about.
✅ What could be helpful: I’m glad you are telling me this now so we can get some help together.
❌ What is NOT helpful: This is all my fault. We need to get you help now before things get a lot worse.
Letting your child know that they don’t have to navigate this alone is a powerful way to demonstrate how much you believe them and care for them. When having these conversations, you should also remember that you are the adult, which means that you don’t want to make your child feel like they need to take care of you. You also want to avoid scaring them (“We need to get you help now before things get a lot worse.”) because they are probably scared enough already. This may mean that you need to have a conversation with another adult so you can process your feelings.
✅ What could be helpful: What parts of your life do you feel are most affected by this?
❌ What is NOT helpful: But you’re doing well in school and have many friends.
Remember that mental illness shows up in a multitude of ways. Not everyone with a mental health concern has no friends and is failing their classes. Asking your child where they notice their mental health concerns showing up may give you good insight as to the kind of support they could benefit from and where you should be focusing.
✅ What could be helpful: How are you feeling about this?
❌ What is NOT helpful: Oh, you poor thing! I’m so sorry!
Your child may be coming to you to talk about their mental health concern because they are scared or relieved or frustrated or seeking validation. You have no idea how they are feeling, so you want to be sure to ask. Knowing how they are feeling about it gives you a good idea of how you should be responding.
Also note that pitying your child (“Oh, you poor thing!”) can lead to a negative self-image and perpetuate the stigma around having a mental illness.
What I promised
I wrote this guide because I promised the students that I would write an article for their parents. I couldn’t tell them that they should not worry or that their parents wouldn’t react poorly.
But I could tell them that I would make it a goal of mine to create a resource that could be shared with their parents (and other parents, too) so that many of their worries might not come to fruition.
If you are a parent, know that your kids are counting on you to validate their feelings, make them feel safe, help them feel less alone, and encourage them to approach this topic with curiosity.
I hope you can use these tools to have more meaningful conversations with your kids about their mental health. But mostly I hope you use this guide because your kids personally requested it.
Sophie Riegel, Intergenerational Communications Specialist and Certified Coach, is available for keynotes, workshops, and break-out sessions. She also consults 1:1 with parents and managers who live or work with a Gen Zer.
If you’d like to bring Sophie to your workplace or organization or inquire about 1:1 coaching, the 2024 calendar openings have just been released. To schedule an inquiry call directly with Sophie, follow the below link, or if you’d like to email her directly — sophielriegel@gmail.com.