Grieving the Parent You Used to Be (And the Kids They Were)
Why this later stage of parenting feels so weird—and what to do with that. (Written for Psychology Today)
At some point after your child turns 18, the parenting manual just... evaporates (assuming there was one to begin with).
No more report cards. No bedtime routines. No carpools or permission slips. Suddenly, you’re parenting a legal adult who makes their own decisions, eats ice cream for dinner, and may or may not pick up your phone calls.
And it’s probably jarring.
You’re still their parent, of course. But the role? It’s completely different now. And if you feel a little lost, that’s understandable. You might be grieving the parent you used to be.
Something Is Changing (And You Can Feel It)
For years, you were the go-to person. You anticipated our needs before we voiced them. You gave advice, made appointments, and double-checked if we packed a snack because you know we get hangry.
Now we’re figuring out our own lives, and sometimes that means pulling away a bit.
You might offer help and get a vague “I’ve got it.”
You might ask questions and get one-word responses.
You might worry (a lot) and not know where to put those feelings.
And it’s easy to interpret this distance as rejection. But most of the time, it isn’t that at all.
It’s a transition.
We’re Grieving, Too
As young adults, we’re trying to understand our new roles, too.
Even if we don’t say it, we miss you and we need you. And sometimes, we push you away because we’re trying so hard to stand on our own feet. We’re learning to trust ourselves, and that often means experimenting, messing up, and finding our way, without someone solving it for us (even when it would be easier to have someone fix all of our problems).
That doesn’t mean we don’t love you. It just means we’re growing. You raised us to be independent, and this is what that looks like.
Just because we are independent, though, doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes wish we could go back to being a kid.
I miss the days when I didn’t have to decide what to eat every night. I miss having an in-house problem-solver (that’s you, Dad!). I miss our nightly family dinners and the way I could climb into my parents’ bed if I had a nightmare. Every day, I grieve the loss of my childhood and the innocence and simplicity that came with it. But that grief doesn’t make me any less proud of how I’m becoming an adult.
A New Kind of Relationship
It’s completely natural for you to grieve the closeness we used to have. You might miss being in charge of the daily logistics and having the sense of being essential. You were in the center of our universe for so long. That doesn’t just disappear overnight.
But something new can take shape—if you let it.
We don’t need parenting in the same way anymore. But we still need you. Just... differently.
Not as a fixer, but as a sounding board.
Not as the hero, but as a trusted presence.
Not as the one in charge, but as someone who sees us, supports us, and still shows up—without taking over.
You’re Not Doing It Wrong
If you feel unsteady right now, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
It means you care. It means you’re adapting. It means you’re human.
And just like we’re growing into adulthood, you’re growing into this new chapter of parenting.
It’s OK to grieve the version of yourself that was once indispensable.
It’s also OK to be curious about who you’re becoming now.
Because the relationship isn’t ending. It’s evolving.
If this article resonates with you, I’m running a group coaching program for parents of adult children who want to learn how to navigate these changes.
