Boundaries as an act of Self-Care
An illustration of recognizing boundaries and inquiry coaching questions to help you navigate through your own
Last week, I had to set a lot of boundaries. And I made people upset.
When the CNBC article about my reselling “side-hustle” came out, I was flooded with messages. The majority of the messages were from people who asked if I could show them how to make money reselling. I responded with some free resources on my Substack that could help them out, and many came back and said they wanted to take my 1 on 1 consultation program on how to start a reselling business. So I sent them the link to sign up for the course.
And then I would get this message:
“I don’t have any money. I’m trying to pay for my child’s hospital bills, I lost my job, I need another income to afford food and rent, etc. Will you just let me take your course for free?”
Let me say this first.
I assumed that these people were telling me the truth. Maybe they really couldn’t afford my course and are seriously struggling financially, and that is understandable. And I want to help these people. But I’m running a business. I cannot just give away hundreds of hours of my time.
I can support myself financially in part because I set boundaries with people.
So I responded with this:
“Unfortunately, my course is not free. But I do have free resources on my Substack. I would also recommend looking on YouTube or going online to get more information on how to get started with reselling. And if you have any specific questions, I will try my best to answer them.”
Did I make people upset? Yes.
But did I do what was best for me and my business? No doubt.
I was traveling this weekend for a speaking engagement and I took an Uber to get from the airport to my hotel. When I got picked up at the airport, I asked (as I always do -- thanks, Mom!) “Who are you picking up?” I waited to hear my name. The Uber driver didn’t respond. I asked again and he said he was here to drive me to my hotel.
“What’s the name of the person you are picking up?” I asked again.
“This is your Uber,” he said.
At this point, I thought it was possible that he did not speak fluent English.
But I asked again. And then I asked in Spanish.
“What’s your name?” he asked through the window.
“What’s the name of the person who ordered this ride?” I responded.
I didn’t care how many times I needed to ask or how many cars behind him were honking for him to move. I was not getting in that car until he told me that he was there to pick up Sophie.
“Sophie?” he finally asked.
“Yes, that’s me,” I said. And I got in the car.
On my next Uber ride, my driver asked me how much I paid Uber for the ride. When I told him, he asked if I would cancel the order and pay him directly and he would give me a discount. I declined the offer (since keeping the transactions on the Uber app keeps me safe) and then he told me that Uber barely paid him anything for the ride. Of course I felt for him. He was visibly upset. He asked me again if I would just cancel the order and pay him instead. I knew I had to stay firm and set my boundaries. I declined and told him I would be happy to wait for another Uber if he didn’t want to take me.
Did I make him upset? Yes. But I prioritized my safety.
Last weekend, I was running an in-person mental health program that was for teens only and I had at least 15 adults try to join the session. I politely told them that this session was for teens only. I explained that there are no adults allowed in the session because when adults are here, the teens don’t always feel comfortable talking about what’s going on in their lives. And I want to make sure this is a space where the teens can be honest and open so I can figure out how to help them better.
And even after I explained this, I heard this:
“But my daughter won’t come if I’m not here”
“Are you serious? That’s ridiculous!”
“Can’t you just make an exception for a youth director”
“I’ll sit in the back and be quiet, you won’t even notice me”
“But this is the only session I really want to go to”
So I became more firm.
“There are no adults allowed in this session. I can’t start the program until all of the adults have left. I’m happy to talk to you after.”
The only exception was for the security guard.
I had to set this boundary for all the teens who came to my program. And I made a lot of adults angry in the process. That’s just something I’ll have to live with.
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and messy, but they are necessary.
Here are some coaching questions to ask yourself when you are setting boundaries:
What do I need to do to make sure I get my message across clearly?
How can I stay firm on my boundaries even when I make people upset?
What does saying “no” now allow me to say “yes” to in the future?
Where can I be flexible?
Who am I setting this boundary for?
What consequences am I willing to deal with as a result of setting boundaries?
As always, feel free to ask me anything. Substack now has direct messaging and I read and respond to everyone. Or, if you have a question you think others might benefit from….
Sophie Riegel is a professional speaker, workshop facilitator, certified family coach, certified executive coach and mental health advocate.
Thank you for explaining how creating and sticking to boundaries is really important, not only for ourselves but for the people we need to protect.